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I stand in the middle of the kitchen, frozen. I hold my tea cup in one hand. I have a hard time finishing to swallow the bread that I was eating when he caught me. He yelled "I am not done", so I stopped. I didn't look at him, not once. I stay there and listen. It lasts forever.
"You are growing plastic out of your ears!", he says. Which is almost funny. Especially because he is the one who gave me this i-pod (the idea was mine, but he went and bought it).
There is nothing untrue in what he says. Yes, I do plug myself out of my daily life. Yes, I cut myself from what's going on in here. No, I don't want to listen to his guitar. Yes, I want to be elsewhere.
I wait and wait. Listen and listen. I don't move, this time, until he tells me he is done. I am getting better at not fighting back (lack of energy, maybe). Later, he comes to see me to - not apologize, but rephrase more calmly. Once again, I don't say a word. This time, I think I am listening to the music in my head (no plastic in my ears, don't need it), but I nevertheless can hear "I feel genuinely sorry that you are not happy". It is just a part of a long sentence in which it turns out that I am responsible for my unhappiness. But still.
I am building a wall around myself. Un mur du son.
"You are growing plastic out of your ears!", he says. Which is almost funny. Especially because he is the one who gave me this i-pod (the idea was mine, but he went and bought it).
There is nothing untrue in what he says. Yes, I do plug myself out of my daily life. Yes, I cut myself from what's going on in here. No, I don't want to listen to his guitar. Yes, I want to be elsewhere.
I wait and wait. Listen and listen. I don't move, this time, until he tells me he is done. I am getting better at not fighting back (lack of energy, maybe). Later, he comes to see me to - not apologize, but rephrase more calmly. Once again, I don't say a word. This time, I think I am listening to the music in my head (no plastic in my ears, don't need it), but I nevertheless can hear "I feel genuinely sorry that you are not happy". It is just a part of a long sentence in which it turns out that I am responsible for my unhappiness. But still.
I am building a wall around myself. Un mur du son.
5 comments:
Not fighting back is partly lack of energy but it is also sort of wisdom. I do not hide myself behind music but music definitely helps me to go ahead...
ouch... weirdly enough, reading this I thought: this could be me and DP in a couple of years if things keep going the way they are...
Are you thinking of going somewhere where you would be happier?
Moi aussi je construis un mur du son autour de moi quand ça va moins bien ...
still, maybe you should try sharing your feelings with him
I used to be so secretive with my man.. then a crisis occured and I found that I had no choice but to open up, and at first his reactions were very violents, but little by little, we learned to talk to each other
today (well, I know we'll have other crisis) love has come back, much much stronger
this book by dr Gottman Les couples qui durent ont leurs secrets, really helped me.
Good luck Beauty.
Ce maudit mois de novembre est bientôt terminé...tu verras, ça ira mieux à la lumière de décembre.
Courage
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